Sometimes, I don't feel like I can do it anymore.
be the person i want to be.
Sometimes I want to eat whatever I want as much as I want and not exercise will power
and not exercise at all.
Sometimes I can hold it together for a long time. Keep my families emotional bank full, take care and nurture everyone else's emotions, hold on. Because I know I have a lot to be grateful for. I know that.
Then, sometimes, I fall apart. Something, one thing, happens, and the damn breaks. The emotions come rushing out. All the emotions that have been stored up inside, all the emotions that I take from my children, my husband, my friends.
Some people can immediately let emotions go. I hold on to them. Forever. If something mildly upsetting happens to me, I think about it for days, months after. A guy flipped me the finger while driving. I still think about that; "If only I could have told him what I was doing, explained my self, then he would not have thought bad about me and flipped me off..."
Any little thing that happens, I replay over and over. Which is why I avoid conflict and stressful situations. I don't want to have to think about how to smooth things over so I can avoid a moment that will be replayed and replayed.
And that kills me. I mean it really kills me. It drags me down, it makes me see the glass as half empty.
Do I think this is healthy? Do you need to tell me how unhealthy this is, and how I should stop?
No, please don't. I know it. If I could stop, I would have done it already. All I can say is, I am working on it. I am working on letting go, of being more positive, of seeing all the things I have to be grateful for, of not feeling like a victim.
This morning, while I was making oatmeal for my boys, I dropped one of my favorite bowls.
It fell onto the granite counters, and shattered in a loud, ringing crash. I thought I would be upset. But, I wasn't. It felt good. Not that I wanted to break more, but it felt like something was released. I am not perfect. I am also not fragile and I know I have the strength to get through a lot tougher times than this. I have pioneer woman blood in me, I know it. I can feel it surge up anytime I think I am going to break, anytime the children wont stop fighting and lunches have to be packed and the house cleaned and we are late late late and have to go NOW!
I have to swallow my pride and return to work at a place I thought I was done with. It did not work out for us here like we thought it would. My year at home is ending at the half-way point. Atticus will return to pre-school, and I to work. We will return to the beloved home we left only 6 months ago, packing and unpacking again.
In a way, it is a fresh start, even though it is going back. We have new ideas for our house, new ways of handling our family stress, new sense of how we want to live our lives.
It is evening now, and I feel much better after my morning breaking of the bowl. The bowl that held nothing and the bowl that held my emotions. Both broke, and are now are cleaned up and thrown out. Today, I taught Atticus that when two "e's" are together in a word, they say "e", as in "tree". He did not talk "mean" once, something we have been working a lot on. Elias came home from school and was so proud. He passed his strings test, and is now playing the viola with the bow (he was just plucking before). Dash picked out a great movie from the library for movie night tonight, and the popcorn is already popped. I went and got some candles today, and I am going out on a date tonight. They boys will be left in the hands of our 15 year old neighbor. She is totally immature, but her parents are right next door and the movie is long, so I think it will be ok. It is a lot to be grateful for.
Thank you for letting me have this moment to share.
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Thankful for a little boy who finally asked to learn to knit. He learned in 1st grade, and hated it. His handwork teacher told me, "it's ok, some people just don't like it". I watched other little children take to it and knit up little sheep and bags. Elias would not do it. I tried to work with him, to force him. I can't really believe it, but at a Waldorf school, knitting is a big deal, and I was a Waldorf teacher, and I knit, and darn-it, I wanted my child to be the star knitter! Silly, right? I got over it. I thought, fine I will accept the fact I will not have a knitter.
Then, it happened.
And he has taken to it. He says knitting makes him happy, and when he knits, he gets quite relaxed, his voice lowers, and he talks. A lot. He is not a talker. But when he is knitting, he lets it all out! I get to hear about all his thoughts. I am so happy!
He also knit outside this beautiful sunday, in the sunshine. I asked him to watch Atticus for me, and he said "can I knit while I do it?" What a beautiful thing it is to watch children grow and change.
(I took a picture of him outside, but sadly, my camera is not working at the moment...)
Thankful for moments of quiet;
And moments of excited, loud, fun play;
All the neighbor kids came over to play in the giant leaf pile. Their parents were busy bagging up leaves in bags to be hauled off in trash trucks today. They did not want the kids playing in the leaves, and messing up the piles. Elias asked if we were bagging leaves or was our pile "strictly for fun". Uh, strictly for fun, of course! I had no intention of bagging up all those beautiful leaves into non-compostable bags when they are like vitamins to the lawn and soil! Anyway, we all had fun. (again, I had quite the collection of funny photos of them buried in leaves and playing that are all stuck in my camera...)
I am so thankful for the nice weather too. Even the rain. We took a walk in the rain and it smelled like wet leaves and fall. It was beautiful.
I am thankful for our cozy house where we lit candles because it was dark at 5, and played soft music and UNO! over and over because it's Atticus's favorite game right now (it was Candyland, and I am pleased we have moved on).
Thankful for family coming for a visit next week, and lots of Thanksgiving dinners with friends and family.
Thankful for friends who have showered me with good thoughts during a rather strange time in my life. It is good to know I am missed.